First thing I do is point out that the spinning blades should've procced as we were boarded. As previously established, hopping off the vehicle and staying on the ground gets you killed.
I laugh maniacally as 3 of the enemy replica players retroactively explode into giblets, and everyone else on Red Team takes 2000 damage.
Nevermind, was cleared up on Discord.
Somebody yank the three weakened players into the line of fire of the whirling blades please. Letting the blades get at them will kill all 3 instantly.
3 ACTION FOCUS: VALLA SUCKS AND I CAN PROVE IT MATHEMATICALLY
Piono stares down Valla.
"Hello there sweetheart, do you hear that noise?"
The distant sounds of airhorns can be heard. Growing louder and louder.
"It's the sound of you getting your comeuppance, [small female dog but italicized]"
Valla immediately tries to counter, but is met with a giant No U Reverse Card (like an Uno reverse card, but it contains the power of BOTH the ultimate counter counter memes).
The only thing Valla can feel in that one moment following is best summed up with an image:
Valla violently explodes upon realizing that her own action counters have countered her own counter actions. This sends her flying off into the distance, where I zoom off into the distance and prepare something special.
A classroom.
Now, this is doubly cruel because not only does school suck to an inordinate extreme but it is one of the absolute antitheses of freedom. You're locked in a classroom, divested of any forms of individual expression, and forced to work on the same monotonous tasks over and over until you've been "educated". While not all schools embody the true power of the classroom, this one does. I've yanked it right from the elemental plane of imprisonment, its very heart and core.
If I had to make a guess at what Valla's critical soul weakness is it would probably be school but guessing people's CSW has proben futile in the past so that has nothing to feature in here.
I'm just doing it because Valla sucks and needs to be taught a lesson in WHY she sucks.
Valla comes screaming in and slams headfirst into the schoolroom. The roof and foremost wall snap shut behind her. The trap has been triggered and it's time to teach her a lesson. Both literally and figuratively. Bands made of pure Stoppium (nullifies all escape and freedom based powers) wrap around her arms and legs, the chair magnetically pulls her upright and her eyes are snapped open by robotic arms. The power of school will set in shortly and remove her ability to resist but until that happens I have to hold her in place physically.
Welcome to Why You Suck 101
A large chalkboard is at the front of the classroom where I stand. A single equation is written on it:
VALLA = SUCK
"Hello class" Valla's the only one here "Today we are going to talk about why you suck. Specifically, why Valla sucks. It's been mathematically proven so it's a good place to start."
"First, we need to know the value of VALLA, and that's quite simple, within the Poybo Theory of Valla Sucking each of the letters is representative of their place in the alphabet. Each A is equal to 1, each L equal to 12, the V equal to 22. Given the syntax, these are all multiplied together to make a nice, even 3168. This also happens to be the Moron's Number as proven by famed metafictional mathematics professor I. Diot, but this is mostly a side note and is not relevant to today's class."
"We'll start with the first variable, S. S stands for Serendipity which is stated as being a chance or coincidental manner of things going in a beneficial way. For Valla this number is worth about -9KiloFortunes, so -6. The reason for this is because in this case S can be found as a result of the equation bs + B^3."
"Those of you that were here for the FIRST LESSON" he glares at Valla "will recall that bs is the Bollocks-Stupidity Quotient, and b is equivalent to ️enevolence. Valla, I hope you're writing your punishment paper from last time."
Valla nods slowly, and realizes that without noticing, she'd begun writing "VALLA = SUCK" on the piece of paper in front of her. Not even in her own color, it's a dull grey. The color of school.
Valla tunes out the next bit of lecturing, as Piono rambles on about how high her bollocks-stupditiy quotient is but that it's balanced out by having a benevolence rating so low that when combined with her anti-memelord status drops her bs quotient into the dirt and then some, giving a final score of -6. She can't believe this, school, trapped in school again. It's even worse than she remembered.
"VALLA!"
Valla suddenly snaps to attention. She doesn't want to. Every bone in here body wants to rebel and fight back, but she can't. The bands aren't even on her arms anymore but the dreary energies have seeped into her soul and all she can do is try to make it through the rest of the class.
"If you don't pay attention I'm going to have to hold you in after class."
Valla panics and shakes her head. This is torture already, doubling the length of time she spends here would make in unbearable.
"Good, next up is Uselessness. This is equivalent to the" Piono then rattles off a very long and complicated chain of mathematical formulas. From the point of her immense powers not doing something useful for her once, to being effectively useless against the Godmodder and towards her goals every time she's showed up on the field, right down to the fact that she's wasted every single one of her actions in the race countering things. Countering things that made no difference. She got the shield powerup but then her team didn't get attacked. She got double action but surprise surprise she wasted all of that on countering actions so that she could fail to protect her team's vehicle.
Each statement is irrevocably true, even if it's wrong. All of it is her fault for being useless, even with her massive amounts of power. All of this is true even if it isn't because that is the way of school. Even facts and logic cannot free you from the endless chain of the unending grind against one's soul.
"So finally, once you divide power functionality by competence and multiply the results by the inverse of inevitability's stopgap function, you come to the final result of Uselessness = 22. Now, I hope you've got that." She doesn't got that, but she doesn't dare raise her voice. "We are now moving on to the third number."
"C is the variable for Childishness. As we all know Valla is a childish punk who would rather weasel her way out of actually facing the consequences than accept that maybe she's wrong, but this can be put into mathematical terms with the use of the Modified Chancellor Steve's sliding scale of childish tendencies."
"Of course, the maths community uses sliding scales from 0 to 7 now, after having been proved by I.N. Compie that 7 point sliding scales are the most scientifically sound, hence the use of the Modified scale. And while Valla may not be to the level of throwing tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants, she DOES take things without asking, break promises because 'crossies doesn't count', and stop listening to people and fidget with things because she doesn't like what they're saying. This rates her at a solid 4/7 on the scale. Translating to four sevenths equally as her Childishness value."
"Finally, K. Or Karpinsky's Constant, from the wonderful thesis on Player Ephemerality as written several posts down from here. It is equal to negative 42 and I will not be covering the exact meaning of it in this class."
Piono's been writing the entire time. It's been too fast for Valla to follow, but it finally coalesces on the board. The numbers all line up, coming to form one, final truth that she cannot escape.
S = Serendipity = -6
U = Uselessness = 22
C = Childishness = 4/7
K = Karpinsky = -42
SUCK = -6*22*4/7*-42 = 3168 = 22*1*11*11*1 = VALLA
It all makes sense.
She hates it, but it makes perfect sense and it will never not make sense ever again.
"So now you see Valla, not only do you suck, but you suck in a mathematically provable way. Class dismantled."
Wait dismantled?
And then the chalkboard leaps off the wall, the numbers and constants assaulting Valla with the pure power of how much she sucks until she's been torn apart on the subatomic level.
Class dismantled indeed.
Attack shields are disallowed.
