CHAOS: hey my boss ba(t)(t)le is done ©alm yourselves
CHAOS: dark lord is dead res(t) his soul
CHAOS: anyway you're probably wondering why i'm here
CHAOS: i'm a ©hanged gli(t)©h (t)hing who wan(t)s (t)o make an hones(t) living peddling i(t)ems-
MARRON: His Mindscape got forcibly taken over by Temmies.

"Hah!"
----
CHAOS: now who wan(t)s to buy (t)hese baked beans for one million ©red-

Marron attempts to pull the chair from under Chaos, but finds that he's not actually sitting down. To compensate, she bolts into the kitchen, grabs a chair, then slams Chaos through the window with it before he can finish his sentence. Chaos seems to vanish into the distance, his body vanishing with that generic "far distance launch star". Marron stares into the distance, trying to determine if she's actually killed him or not, before promptly getting jumpscared by a very hihg speed Chaos that's suddenly behind her.

CHAOS: h0i (t)har

"Calm down, my dude, I haven't done the Index enough yet."

CHAOS: also, some(t)hing (t)ha(t) migh(t) in(t)eres(t) you...
CHAOS: so, my endgame is (t)o des(t)roy (t)he world, righ(t)?
CHAOS: bu(t) (t)his boi

Chaos points outside, towards the Sphere.

CHAOS: (t)his boy has (t)he nerve (t)o (t)ry and des(t)roy it before me

"kek"

CHAOS: so i figured (t)ha(t) i'd do myself some good and s(t)op (t)his boi so i ©an win (t)he game
CHAOS: i've had s©ores of drones s©ouring the plane(t).
CHAOS: and i have informa(t)ion (t)ha(t) migh(t) in(t)eres(t) you.
CHAOS: e(t)(t)e, explain!

Ette nervously scratches her head.

CHAOS: man i did no(t) (t)hink (t)his (t)hrough
CHAOS: do your bes(t)!

Marron facepalms.

MARRON: ...I'll do it.
[INSERT ALL THAT STUFF HERE]

"I got it."

-Strike
Deal (6-7) Slashing damage, with Armorpierce2 and Slip2. Range 1-2. [Cone, but the attack deals 50% DMG.]
-Bash
Deal (7-8) Crushing damage. And inflict Weakened1 and Uninspired1 for one round. Intensity can stack. [Inflict Stun for 1 round instead. Doesn't stack.] Range 1.
-Radial Blind
Inflict Blind1 for two rounds on every enemy within Range 1[-2].Intensity can stack.
-Shield Boost
Move three spaces in a straight or diagonal line, with Skirmisher. Can't move through foes. [Deal (4-5) Crushing damage to the foe you collide with.]
-Bullet Jump
[Deal (3-4) Fire damage (scales at quarter-rate with SPC) to every enemy within Range 1 of you, then] Move two spaces.
-Shield Crash
Deal (8-8) Crushing damage to a target within Range 1. If used right after a Shield Boost that was cut off by moving into a foe, deal +25% DMG and knock the target back 3 spaces. [Then Stun them for 1 round, if the Shield Boost conditional is met.]
-Dash Finisher
Deal (8-8) Slashing damage to a target within Range 1. If used right after a Shield Crash that met the Shield Boost conditional, deal +25% DMG and inflict Bleed4 for 2 rounds. [The attack has double CRT if the Shield Crash conditional is met.]

{Deadly #6666ff} {Duality #cc66ff} Fills by: Dealing damage, Kills (x15), Eggs thrown (x5)
Base SP: 250

Activates the Hat Kid Plushie(and upgrades to this item)'s Dismount effect early without killing Boshi, summoning a buffed Hat Kid. If Boshi dies, the buffed Hat Kid stays for 2 turns before reverting to her pre-buff state. Revival while in this state will cancel the special and Boshi will revive as normal. If Hat Kid dies, the Plushie's passive is disabled, and Boshi will obtain Exhausted(1) until revival's been casted on him.

Buffs: +1 HP, +10% Basic Attack Damage, +10% DGE

Modifiers: -3 SP required per SPC (min. 190)

+10% Basic Attack Damage per 5 SPC (max. 50%)

+10% DGE per 7 SPC (Max. 30%)

Positive AC no longer doubles when basic attacking at 16 SPC

It takes a little while to connect... but Hat Kid manages to get through to DarkSide. She prepares a notepad and pen to record the information he gives her.

"...He--o? I- -his thing on? Who's called?"

"Hi, I'm H-"

She's promptly cut off.
"Th-that voice- are you- no way, that's impossibl- oh wait no it's not. Weirder things have happened, I guess."

Hat Kid was confused. "Huh? What!?"
Through the radio, DarkSide could be heard thinking. This goes on for about half a minute. "...Sorry 'bout that. You likely already know who I am."

"DarkSide, right?"

"Yeah. I'm guessing you've met with Chaos, given you're using a radio. And... I think I know why you've called me instead of the most obvious people, like Chloe or Tem, or even spoke with Chaos himself."

"W-wait, you know about my dreams!?" She seems slightly creeped out.

"Oh, nonononono, you've got it all wrong! Unlike some of the... others like me, I can't read minds at all. Though I guess a dream would make sense..."

And now she's even more confused. "So how would you even know?"

"...You may have heard of that giant sphere in the distance, yes?"

"Mhm...?"

"And, if your dream is what I think it is, you've somehow managed to see everything from my point of view, yeah?"

"...uh... y-yeah?" She doesn't really like where this is heading.

"That saves time, at least. Guessing you've saw the entire spiel with WARE and Ire as a result."

Hat Kid was dying with suspense. "C-can you please get to the point already!?"

"Well, myself and all the others made a promise to Ire; to destroy him in his spherical prison before everything ends. Of course, I stayed here, but I couldn't contact any of my other selves or send clones like Paranoid could."

Hat Kid was trying to piece together the information she had; a promise, ire, the sphere, end of the world... it was all making sense. This wasn't a mere coincidence. "S-so you're saying-"

DarkSide sighs. "...Yeah. I didn't expect my... successor... to be you, Hat Kid. Pl-"

"But there's another one traveling with me! His name is Boshi! How could I know he's not the one you chose!?" Hat Kid was quick to inform him. Understandably, DarkSide audibly went into shock.

What was unexpected, though, was his response. "O-oh my god, I've roped two poor souls into this!? I-I-what!?" He's clearly had a lasting shock. "H-how did th-this happen!? Oh god-"

Hat Kid was understandably concerned. "A-are you okay!? Please, answer!"

"...'A failure as an ally and a friend'... th-that's what Paranoid said in his last waking moments... I-I had no i-idea that it w-would rub off on p-people I hadn't even m-met yet..."

"...I really am a living curse..."

Hat Kid was having none of it. "No, you're not! Everyone would do what we've ended up doing if they knew!"

"It's... it's much deeper than that... from my point of view, at least. I've put you both in great danger when I shouldn't have..."

She's still having none of it. "But almost everyone else you were with is here, though! Well, except for you know who. And we're joined by your friends, like ink guy and toaster! We're safe with them around!"

DarkSide chuckles a bit. "Eheh, yeah I guess I forgot about those guys." He hardens his voice again. "Just a word of warning, be careful with the puppeteer, Marron. She's an especially... touchy sort. I don't really know how she'll take to another sharing her entire shtick, even if they're a child like you and/or if you do it just as a hobby you do really well."

"I'll keep it in mind~"

"Good. Tell that to Boshi too, alright?"

"Yep~"

DarkSide takes a moment to ponder. "Say, what time is it out there?"

Hat Kid simply responds "Nighttime." Guess she's not really one for numbers, huh?

"Well, I hope the stars are nice out there. Takes me back to Moonlight Ocean back on my homeworld... so pretty..."

He snaps back to it. "Oh, but you should probably get some sleep."

"But I don't wanna! I wanna know more!"

DarkSide sighs. "...Stop posting and sleep."

"What"

He chuckles. "Heh, internet jargon. Good night!"

"Good night... ... ..."

The radio goes silent. Hat Kid puts the device away.

MLG Charms

I acknowledge Mr. krabs is not using one of them at this point. That's irrelevant. They should both get upgrades.

In any case, Mr. Krabs takes out the pocket lint that he bought for 5 credits. He purchased that Pocket Lint for a precise, specific reason, and it is this reason-the MLG of these Charms is only the most basic MLG that there is! They can go even further beyond!

The first step is throwing them into an industrial-grade fan. Thsi takes them to the magical world of Fire: Emblem Heroes as two bits of metal on a 3-star Gunther's armor. That Gunther is sent home, un-fusing the MLG Charms from the armor and sending them straight back to Sussui, and they are P E E E V E D O F F by this, and also peeved off. They must become stronger. STRONGER! STRONGER THAN EVER! To do that, there is only one thing for it. They need... A TRAINING MONTAGE, SET TO "GONNA FLY NOW!"

They grow arms and legs! and they proceed to hit the couch! With their fists! But they miss! They punch again, and they miss again. They punch and they punch and they miss. They missed both times. They punched it and it actually works, murdering a joke and causing Cyanogynist a war away to suffer an egregious heart injury by having a good meme interrupted by actual success. They then proceed to take this momentum and land a consecutive 5 punches. They feel good.

THEN A WILD BEAR ATTACK OMG

What do?
-Murder
-Unmurder

The MLG charms select '-Unmurder,' which subtracts the Bear's willingness to murder them. V E C T O R E E. They celebrate this by pulling out rifles and killing the Bear, then eating it on a spit roast, fueled entirely by the pocket lint. This is the moment-the moment that will define these two MLG charms as being more MLG than the average MLG charm, as the Pocket Lint unleashes its true potential while it burns, burning itself away to reveal the tiniest TV ever. This TV then proceeds to expand, revealing the largest TV ever to man. The MLG charms rush to get controllers and play a game on it, and proceed to do this for a time-compressed 19080809 hours.

When they return from their exile, they have inexplicably consumed two Drone Sensors each and are now considered PRO MLG CHARMS. They also lose their arms and legs, because PRO MLG REUQIRES NO LIMBS. Fortunatley, the Drone Sensors also give them better eyesight, allowing them improved sniping prowess.

-Expended: 1 Pocket Lint, 4 Drone Sensors (2 each), the 2 MLG Charms.
Pro MLG Charms Ooooooooh baby, a T3!
+2 SKI, +3 CRT, +3 HIT
(What changed: +3 HIT was added. Yep. That's it. These Trinkets are boring but practical, really.)

A polite reminder to Ire that I have equipped the Cardboard Amulet in the other slot, leaving the second Pro MLG Charm available to the public.

Splintercast

Mr. Krabs turns to his bow. It's the worst thing in the world. Ignoring that it doesn't shoot arrows, but rather oversized splinters, there is an issue with it that cannot be overlooked. It is in every way the perfect bow bar one feature. It provides long range, fair accuracy, a decent special effect, and is reasonably usable by the common Krab-but you see, it is also something else that makes it irredeemably bad in its current state.

It.

Is.

BORRNG

Mr. Krabs must PURGE THE BORRNG! DEUS VULT! (A random anime girl who said 'desu vult' in response is promptly sniped by an orbiting sniper rifle)

Mr. Krabs creates a portal in space time in his knee and enters it, entering KNEELAND, the source of all the BORRNG that plagues the Splintercast, and proceeds to hack at the physical manifestation of the BORRNG, only to realize there is no physical manifestation of the BORRNG and that's just some microfiber that grows back instantly because memes. Mr. Krabs is not at all put off by this setback, however, and proceeds to begin creating a device to attract the BORRNG's metaphysical nature into a physical format. To do that, he needs to do the Tango for Two.

[TANGO ONE, STEP UP.]

Mr. Krabs steps up, crushing the machine and completing the Tango for Two, achieving victory over nothing (literally). Because nothing was defeated, nothing must now hand over the device necessary to attract BORRNG's metaphysical nature into a physical format, and he complies, giving Mr. Krabs a toothpick. Mr. Krabs proceeds to pick his teeth clean, generating an army of crusaders. Because Crusaders crusade against whatever happens to be non-christain, they opt to overlook Mr. Krabs to instead crusade against BORRNG, which causes the BORRNG to exist in the form of Sapient Lubricator Robots with Machineguns.

Quite obviously, the Sapient Lubricator Robots with Machienguns are too busy lubing themselves with the Machineguns to care about the Crusaders murdering them, which eliminates the BORRNG handily. The problem for the Crusaders is that it would generate BORRNG to actually deal with them, so Mr. Krab hires an elephant to suck the Crusaders into its nostrils, creating the CRUSADAPHANT. Mr. Krabs then shoots it with the Splintercast directly in the Hoyaiopuadf, causing the CRUSADAPHANT to turn into a physical essence of upgrading the pants off of the Splintercast.

Mr. Krabs returns out of the portal into his knee, takes the essence he has just accured, and shoves it into the Splintercast. The Splintercast promptly attempts to strangle Mr. Krabs, except it encounters a critical problem: MR. KRABS HAS NO NECK. ALSO HE DOESN'T RUN THE NOOSE NECKLACE THING WHATEVER. These things combined obliterate the conceptual idea of Mr. krabs not finishing this upgrade, causing the upgrade to almost finish. Curiously, however, the Splintercast has an odd hole in it that looks suspiciously like 64 units of Cobblestone.

After filling the hole with 39 units of Cobblestone and 5 bars of Titanium Mr. Krabs considers his work in agitating the OCD forever complete for now, which finishes the upgrade on the Splintercast.

-Consumed: 39 Cobblestone, 5 Titanium, 1 Splintercast Crafting Charge.

UnBORRNG Splintercast Hero to adventure. Slaughterer to BORRNG.
(8-10) Piercing, 0 Retreat, 1 Counter, 5 HIT, +3 MHP
Passive: BORRNG Identifier. Target a foe within Range 4-5. That foe has Ensnared(5) until the end of the round. Can't miss.
(What changed: +2 Base damage and altering the effect. As it was basically the better part of Ensnared already, I figured a full upgrade to Ensnared was a fair deal.)

Keldeo Ice Sculpture

Mr. Krabs would be tired at this point, except HE CAN'T POSSIBLY GET TIRED. HE IS ALMIGHTY. HE IS IMMORTAL. HE IS MR. KRABS THE 8TH DIMENSIONAL. He is but one step towards the Metacrhonistic Plane!*
*May actually be a hilarious exaggeration
Mr. Krabs will have none of this Observer nonsense, attacking the innocent inventory and scouring its remains! THIS! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! THIS IS MADNESS! THIS! IS! THYMIUM!!!!

Mr. Krabs begins charging Ki at an alarming rate, ascending from a regular Krab to Super Ultra Krab God Super Krab x20 Rose that has ascended past a Super Ultra Krab God Super Krab x20 Rose! Or, you can just call it Mr. Krabs, because nothing's changed. He then proceeds to pull out his trump card. It's a queen of diamonds! This action shocks the Observer, who has never observed the trump card as the queen of diamonds, because the Observer hasn't played cards ever! It is EN RAGENED by this newfound occurance, because the Observer thought it was omniscient!

The faux-omniscient Observer begins its almighty transformation into a Gayzer Gazyer, but Mr. Krabs is well ahead of it, reaching up into the sky and grabbing the Table Moon that orbits Sussui. All moons are secretly one of three things; giant 2d satellites made by snakemen, giant war machines intended to destroy all of existence made by maniacal Godmodders, and giant space rocks. This one happens to be all three at once, and also on the fritz enough that none of it matters. Mr. Krabs takes advantage of this and throws the moon directly onto the Observer. 1,000 panels of seismic devastation occur, but the Gazyer (and Mr. Krabs) both remain completely unaffected.

In this time, the Gazyer challenges Mr. Krabs to the one thing it holds unquestioned superiority amongst all Iti over; the total and absolute mastery of crafting stuff! Mr. Krabs points to the previous parts of this post to counterbalance this. Further enraged, the Gazyer challenges Mr. Krabs to another kind of crafting battle, wherein they attempt to make the better craft. The loser is devoured by the winner. Mr. Krabs immediately agrees, then rips open a hole in space-time to Shield* Slam the Gazyer back when Shield Slam stunned!

When the Narrative inexplicably resets a thousand panels of seismic devastation, the Gazyer is still stunned. Mr. Krabs takes this opportunity to realize something. His hat! It's a pony! (However much Tazz would wish it were not, it is!) Ergo he must empower it via the power of Ponies. Also the foe he is fighting right now. This will certainly win him the Crafting Battle! His immediate reaction is to blitz all the way to the universe of bad MLP Fanfiction. Some people hate ponies-these ponies should never see the light of day to begin with, so *everyone* hates these ponies. As such, Mr. Krabs activates the secret password.

"Blah Blah Blah Blah HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Chainsaw Groinage Olly Olly Oxenfreemansonsionvolition Mistake Not Of Wrath Ully Ully Nuly SUBMIT TO GRIMA Orange Apple Apple Shanghai'd Fransworth Bringlefringle Cosmic Quincy Yl'thoxomins."

Reality twists a little at the intensive spell, and the Keldeo Ice Sculpture comes to life with a whinny! It then proceeds to turn into a massive Universe Eater, but only for 4.5 seconds. This newfound abomination proceeds to use its time wisely and devour the entirety of the Bad MLP Fanficiton Universe. It proceeds to grow an immense tumor on its stomach-the essence of the Bad Fanfiction distilled and separated from the essence of Ponies. Mr. Krabs, ever kind, pulls out his Big Meaty Claws and severs it from the Keldeo Ice Sculpture, and proceeds to eliminate it from existence with the aid of a nuclear chainsaw and fourteen coconut peoples that all sacrificed their lives in the name of better fanfiction. In gratitude, the new pony-made-of-Ice promises to serve as Mr. Krabs sapient hat forever and grant all of his wishes, literally all of them, because sometimes in fiction, you just win for no reason.

Mr. Krabs wishes the Observer were dead and that his hat got a fancy new boost, first and foremost. The Ice-Pony complies, reaching down from the heavens and crushing it with one mighty blow, before ripping out its eye and placing it directly atop the horn of the Ice-Pony. The Ice-Pony warps itself back to its mostly-normal proportions, now fully sapient and also capable of staring at you really hard. Mr. Krabs wins the Crafting Battle, but technically speaking has already devoured his foe so he does not need to do so now.

-Expended: 1 (dead) Gazyer, 1 Keldeo Ice Sculpture.

The Magical Ice Sculpture Hat Of Staring At You Really HardThis hat is the best hat, no exceptions.
Stats: +3 SPC, +2 DEF
Resistances: Ice (30%), Fire (-20%)
Special: Hard Stare. As a Bonus Action, you may attack an enemy in range 1-3 with (4-5) Psychic Damage. This does not scale with any stat, and you may use it before or after your Action Phase.
(What changed: The Physical weakness was removed entirely, and the new Turret function listed above was added.)

Robotic Glass Dress

Mr. Krabs has one last piece of work to do. His Robotic Glass Dress. It must be altered. It must be improved. It must be OK ENOUGH MOTIVATION LET'S GO

Mr. Krabs GO's, specifically he starts playing Pokemon Go. Except, since he is a meme, he already has the best Pokemon already. He got Mew the literal nanosecond the potentail to get it occurred. His Gudness at all games, even filthy mobile games, radiates from his being in a holy glow at all times, which was already obvious and needs no further reference or explamation other than that, yes, he can turn it off for snek. Like right now, as he is currently in dire need of snek, and by turning it off, sneks come to him.

Mr. Krabs barters with the sneks; they tell him the secret of the Viana's Viana's Viana's Mamma Mia's, and Mr. Krabs shall perform to them the dance of the Legioanafdaiou. As the dance of the Legioanafdaiou is the method by which a snek can ascend into the glorious dimension of pants, they so direly seek this that they agree to tell him the secret immediately. As it is a secret, you can't know about the fact that Yugopotanians are involved in any way, shape or form, except by telling you that, by which all is OK. Mr. Krabs agrees to this idea, and proceeds to perform the dance of the Legioanafdaiou immediately. First, he pulls out his most prized non-monetary possession, the world's smallest violin, and begins to play it with one claw, as usual. This garners mild approval from the sneks assembled. He uses his other hand to grab his homeland, Charon, and immediately bulldoze the entirety of the gathered snakes with it, repetetively.

you see, there is no glorious dimension of pants, so Mr. Krabs just settled for killing them. Sometimes it's not fictional, just fake.

With the secret of Vianna's Vianna's Vianna's Mamma Mia's firmly in his possession, and after quelling a microwar in his mindscape over if article 19 of the secret refers to hot potato or grofit pootis, Mr. Krabs completes the holy prophecy of NOGOAF, opening his mouth by a 190 degree angle. Out of his mouth comes a cannon the size of the continent of Norsway, which is like Norway, but bigger. This cannon turns its attention to Mr. Krab's unusual choice of dress, and immediately asks Mr. Krabs if it can have an autograph. Mr. Krabs gives it a pen to fire directly at itself as the closest approximation he can to agreeing, and the cannon the size of the continent of Norsway agrees, firing it directly into itself, committing suicide and in the process freeing 19,092,312 multi-universal governments from the cannon's tyrrany. As thanks, they proceed to upgrade the Robotic Glass Dress into its newest form rightaway, turning it into a work of true art. Mr. Krabs then throws multiple Scythes directly at it, specifically six, to give it fake wings that should arguably do nothing to improve anything, and then merges them to the backside with Titanium Lasers, made of Titanium Ingots.

-Expanded: 1 Crafting Charge with the Farming Scythe; 6 Titanium Ingots; Robotic Glass Dress
The Savior's Roboglass Ballgown Behold the power of a meme!
Stats: +2 RES, +2 SPC
Resistances: Fire (20%), Light (30%), Crushing (-10%)
Special: Divine Shield, Farmer's Scythe Passive (when downing Chairian Foes with basic attacks while wearing this item, they drop 10 credits. when downing Iti foes while wearing this item, they drop 2 samples).
(What changed: The -DEF is now totally gone, and the Farmer's Scythe passive was basically slapped onto the dress.)