beginning of the ACT
I draw my sword and wreath it with green light. It will now heal. I blink over to the vengeful god, true incarnation,and slash at him, sending a wave of green healing fire into him, and back-flip over him, launching a few balls of healing light, before I take out my 'cell-phone-thing' (yes that’s the brands name) and call someone to come massage him. They come with their team of experts and start massaging the vengeful god. Confident in their skills, I go on an adventure for the healing stonecheese of heals.

First, I go find a random tavern where there'll be some drunk old man who can tell me where to find it. After some time I notice a tower of smoke and repeatedly blink towards it, landing and creating a small crater in the ground on impact, and enter through the door, putting on my best "exited adventurer main character" face, and start talking to everyone excitedly. Eventually the old drunk man calls me over and starts rambling about how "there was once a man..." "who helped the spirits pass away." "however he was still..." "Mortal." and tells me to go SOUTH.

I go south and find a graveyard, filled with restless spirits and poultregiests. I ward most of them off with a hail of ice shards and kill what stays around with meteors and ice snakes. I then find several broken-down shacks and run around in them until I trip and trigger the rest of the mission, where the restless soul of the man who helped souls find rest fights me.
Balls of flame rise from the ground and shoot at me, forcing me to leap sideways out of the way and often fall over, which in turn forces me to blink away from an explosive orb. After some time, I manage to cast meteor on him, which slams him to the ground. He staggers to his feet and raises his hand. 3 orbs appear from his back and each slam down to the ground, forming into ghosts. The first, orange, lunges at me, forcing me to dodge, and the second,blue, slams me to the ground suddenly (with magic).
I jump over them and launch a thin needle of light at the third, green. They raise a shield, but it starts to crack when suddenly the orange one sends a wall of fire. I cast teleport and dodge out of the way, scrolling to a large stave known as the lunar spine, twirling it in my hands, and level it at them. 5 icy missiles flash into existence and converge on them. The green manages to block 3 of them, and one misses, but the fifth gets through and freezes their arm. I twist the stave's tip backwards and the ice flies towards me. I proceed to draw a small bow and pull it back, launching a single arrow into the ghosts head. They cease to be corporeal.

The other two gasp and become much more monstrous, both forgetting or forgoing strategy and leaping at me. I point my stave downwards and jump, leaving several icy spikes and flying over their heads. I twirl the wand as I jump over them and manifest several small stones. They turn towards me just as I bump the bottom of my staff to the ground, sending all 7 stones flying at them. The orange one leaps back while the blue one slashes the oncoming rock in half. While they do that, I raise my stave to the sky and it morphs, drawing light from the moon and changing from petrified planks to hell-brick, and forming a small flame at the tip, surrounded by a cage of netheric steel.
The orange one fires a glowing bullet which crashes into a wall of flame, and I sweep the flaming staff in front of me, launching the flames forwards. The orange loses its corporeality.

The blue being leaps at me with a large blade and slashes it down, slamming into my staff at full force. I push on it, hard, and send them back. They waste no time, slashing at me low, horizontally. I plant the staff to my side, stopping the blade, and leap, pulling the staff with me. The sudden disappearance of the force stopping them/their blade pulls the ghost off-balance and I grab their arm, slamming them to the ground, and twirl the staff around. Several orbs of flame gather and I slam the staff's top down on their head. The flames slam into them and vaporise their body.

The man's soul still stays.
I scan him, summoning a large meteor above my head as I search for traps. It doesn't take me long, and I send the massive chunk of rock at him.
. . .
It stops.
The ghost of the man holds the meteor in an ethereal grip, and sends it back at me. I leap back and send several flaming spikes from the wall at him, but he dodges and raises the ground beneath me, forcing me to jump back again. I raise my hand and a ball of ice forms in it, which I throw at him. A wall appears, but I teleport forwards and smash it to bits with my staff. The ice ball slams into him, freezing him solid, and it is done. A blue light leads me to my prize.
An old sock.
...
No really.
I return to the tavern and ask the old man, with barely contained anger, why in the name of the 2 gods did he send me to get an old sock.
The man says "this is a multi-stage quest. You need all of my old clothing so I can use its infused magic to create the healing cheese." My response was this: ...
So he pounded my head against a table until I agreed to get the rest of his clothing.
He then says this: "aura of blackness lord of light, aura of madness lord of might, lord of all, lord of none, you must fight the nameless one." I say "what" He says " go fight the guy" I say "where?" He says "ethereal evacuation." And then the world stretches and I'm at the entrance to a giant castle with a horrible interior designer. There's random wineglasses sitting on nothing while arcane power thrums through the area and random slot machines are positioned everywhere. Seriously, its hideous.

Well, I close my eyes and stumble my way through the place, unwilling to look at it.
Eventually I reach the, thankfully less horrible, throne room and a booming loud voice starts asking what I'm here for and stuff. I ask him to repeat that while I prepare for battle.
He repeats that.
I point my staff at him and start talking about how someone here has committed a great injustice, also known as inconveniencing me.
He says what.
I say give me a stinky pair of underwear.
He says what.
I say "Give it" He says what.
I say "I'ma kill you now." He says what.

I twirl my staff and stop it pointing at him, which sends forth a stone bolt, which shatters against a wall of power as the lord of light runs forwards, throwing a set of 7 10-sided dice ahead of him. They come up 7's and form a sharp-tipped staff, similar to my own, but bright yellow. He stabs his staff at me, but I lean sideways and grab it with my free hand, pulling it past me,and causing him to stumble over my staff as I lift it. The lord falls flat on his face and I bring my staff down hard, drawing with it a large orb of fire, when suddenly a bolt of lightning shatters the orb and the lord launches a second bolt at me, but I block it with my staff and jump over him, pulling my staff behind me and creating several orbs of fire, which I launch down and defeat the lord of light.
Or not.
An aura of blackness wreaths him and catches the orbs, before launching a blob at me. I dodge backwards and switch weapons to BLAZING HOT BETTY, and shoot a Laser beam, which eats straight through the blackness. Its about to strike him when he catches it with his hand.

I say "so you have called the mad lord of might." for no real reason other then provide context nobody would notice if I didn't bring it up for how first the lord of light/luck had an aura of blackness, and now the lord of might is insane.
A spike of water rises from the ground, but it runs into my majority guard and bounces towards the lord, who blocks it and runs forwards, preparing to punch me.
Naturally, I get rid of the ground beneath him. He falls down and misses his punch entirely.
He leaps up and is about to swing a punch at me when I throw sand in his eyes and leap over him with a pillar of earth. He then punches forwards in rage and the pillar collapses on him, knocking him back into the hole, which now has spikes. He climbs out of the hole, only to see a maze of spikes and walls and mirrors. A sign on the wall says "the walls of this maze hold back a wave of hellfire." He proceeds to tear through the walls of the maze and be burnt by waves of hellfire. Eventually, he realizes I must be beneath the maze to provide the hellfire, and he should as such jump as high... As he... Can..???
What?
Oh well, not my problem.
He fails to reach the top of the palace and falls back down, breaking through the floor into the hellfire pit I'm in. He cannot see, because of the hellfire, so he keeps flailing around until I stop and start throwing sand at him instead. After I bury him in sand, I unleash another gout of hellfire and melt the sand to glass. I jump up, and watch from above as he struggles to get out. Eventually, he manages to crack it a bit.
This happens when I decide to freeze him solid at approximately 1 degree kelvin. I proceed to set up a very large cannon that will go off if he so much as moves, runs off of any solid matter, and launches small wads of dirt. I Then load it up with an extremely large amount of dirt, for the fuel and projectile, and continue providing it with more dirt fuel until it activates. After a few months, he unfreezes enough to move, and the cannon fires, shattering the glass and smashing him about... 7,000,000 killometers down, and all the way through the earth to the other side.

The lord of none.
Easily crushed, without even noticing his presence.
The lord of all, on the other hand...
He decides to let me get what I wanted instead of trying to stop me, because he is smart.
Now I have the socks, AND the underwear.
This is a real quest on a Minecraft server I played on once.
Get the guys cloths, I mean. It isn't as loaded with these references to nothing though.
Aaaaanyway...

I turn to go, and dash across the land, leaving a cloud of dust in my wake. After some time, my foot hits a trigger for the arrival of a strong enemy. Taking immediate notice, I cartwheel, raising a rock into the air with magic then slamming into it with my feet. The rock flies forwards, slamming into the enemy’s face as they materialize. I land on my feet and skid past them, wrapping a ribbon/whip thing around their leg as I do. I stop, then jump backwards, pulling the enemy with me, and fire a burst of light upwards, bringing the ribbon/whip on a stick down as I do so. The enemy is dragged directly into the path of the light burst and slams into the ground as I leap upwards at a 45 degree angle over it, ending up in a curve due to limited length of ribbon. As I land, I yank the stick, lifting the enemy over my head and slamming them down. I unravel the ribbon and twirl it in a spiral, forming a spear of cyan light, and grab the spear, stabbing the enemy through the head. Having finished them off and gotten their health potion drop, which I immediately portal to the vengeful god, I return to my quest.

I reach The Hive the organisers of the business/coliseum tell me they have all of his clothing.
I ask why.
They say because...
I say because why.
They say 'this was the only thing he had on him to pay for admission.' I say 'wait there’s an admission fee?' they say 'yes' I say 'hows this for admission fee: 'I won't make your life a living hell.' they say "cute" I say "Accept it or Decline." ____ " I don't n e e d you to be Alive when I get the clothing." they say "fine', then start laughing about how absurd the whole thing is, before continuing: 'if you lose though, you'll have to pay us a Lot' I say "deal" Level one FIGHT! The opponent, easily 4 times my size, grabs an axe from a nearby tree-stump and wields it threateningly.
I smirk and grab a paper napkin from my pocket.
"you know, I always wanted to beat someone to death with a paper napkin" "=)" the lumberjack, only slightly unnerved, lifts his axe and brings it down hard where I was exactly half a second ago. I land behind him and slap him with the napkin, surprising him. He swings his axe in a horizontal circle, but I jump on the flat side of the axe's blade and stand on it. He tries to throw me off, but I use the momentum to leap at him and slap him with the napkin. He recoils from surprise, and I land back where I entered.

He grabs a throwing axe from his belt and heaves it, propelling it to me at almost the speed of sound, But I catch it and throw it upwards into a tree's trunk. Surprised, he runs at me and slashes again, predictably missing, as I pirouette sideways slightly then jump at him, spinning as I slap him with the napkin again. After many more occurrences like this, the axe is too worn to use, and I walk over and start beating him to death with it in the earnest, slap after slap, until eventually I start to draw blood, somehow. I then redouble my efforts,slapping him even more. He can't stop me because, though I did not mention it, I have encased myself and that leg of his in a dome of nigh-indestructible Ice. Eventually, I beat his leg clean off and dissolve the dome.I immediately dodge sideways as he tries one last time to slam me with the axe.
First Level- COMPLETE, and with a handicap! That handicap, of course, is my insistence on using a paper napkin.
Alright, next boss...
Archmage, hm? K I draw a masterfully made katana and enter the arena, not even giving them a chance to blink before I blink to them and slash my katana upwards, which they just barely block with their staff. They instinctively try to turn the staff to fire a spell at me, but I jump over the spell and slash down the sword down Hard, slamming their staff to the ground, and out of their hand. I slash the sword horizontally, forcing them to duck, and blink to the ceiling, which is conveniently covered in stalactites, and slash them, forcing the mage to run away. Sure, I let him get his staff back in the progress, but he can't do didly without it.

He starts raining spell bolts at me, but I leap from stalactite to stalactite, dodging each bolt, until I arrive on top of him. I leap down, which he just barely dodges, and slash at him, which he does his best to block. I slash upwards, going along the staff and as such not being blocked by it, and cause a deep wound. He swings his staff left, right, then left again, and heals the wound, just as I slash his stomach another twice. He brings his staff down to the ground hard and a wall of stone spikes rises in front of me, which I dodge diagonal-backwards. He then rains bolts of spell energy at me, but each time I deflect them until eventually one of them goes straight back, giving me an opening (not that I needed it) to blink over and slash at his arm,gouging a long line, and rolling under them before slicing off their left leg. The archmage twirls around on one foot and swings their staff, which I skilfully deflect sideways, and proceeds to get stabbed in the torso, then exploded.
Second Level-COMPLETE.
I wander into the next room and immediately duck as a bolt of electricity zips past my ear.
"you know, electric bolts shouldn't really be dodge-able." "they head to the nearest place that attracts them, so if they do go past you, then their going to keep coming back unless you leave a 30-meter (or 30 KM? Unsure) radius. Or diameter. However, the ground is also in this radius,so why is it ignoring that part? Oh well." during this entire bit, I'm dodging electrical bolts and/or blocking their attempts to punch me.
No, not the bolts, thats ridiculous.
Their summoner, ohm, electric mage and golemancer.
Golems suddenly start pouring from the walls and walking towards me. I, in response, take out pickaxe, and throw it, causing it to tear through their insides and rip them up, often removing the core, and bounce off the walls. I then jump over one that was attacking me, use its head as a platform, and leap, grabbing my pickaxe and stabbing it through a particularly large golems head to slow down. Ohm launches several more bolts at me, but I kick the golem, disconnecting him from my pickaxe, and it takes the bolts. I land on the wall and jump forwards/up over a larger bolt, digging my pickaxe into the ceiling so my momentum pulls me up, and leap downwards at the golemancer, slashing the pickaxe down ten centimetres to the left of his head. Noticing the miss, I kick him with my foot and he crashes into a golem to the side. Wow he is fragile. I then decide to start sprinkling in puns, looking at him and saying "Ohm my gale, are you ok?" (ohm=his name, gale = future boss and his lover. Pun for oh my god). He looks at me murderously and shoots another bolt, which I dodge. I proceed to lift all his golems into the air, since they are made of stone, and I can control stone. I proceed to grab some [REDACTED/UNSPECIFIED DRUG] and make him smoke/drink/inhale/inject it, making him be Stoned [badum-tsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss] and crush him with all his golems this kills him. Oops.
Well, Third level down..? Next up, air division boss, spirit of gale.
She zips around the arena really fast and has a bow that shoots thousands of arrows.
The first shot, I deflect with a quickly-raised energy shield, and the rest I dodge by hiding behind a convenient pillar.
I then sadly realize gale has only two meanings. This will not be the puny battle I hoped.
Oh well.
I grab a bow from my bag and pull it back, aiming to where gale would be relative to me if I was at the next pillar over, and blink there, instantly releasing the arrow, before blinking a bit further to avoid her arrows. My shot slams into her, but sadly she has tons upon tons of regeneration. I snap the bow and hold it's 2 halves like daggers, blinking into sight then behind her, slashing her torso and turning. She has already turned, but is too close to riddle me with arrows. I stab downwards, leaving a long running mark, and cut several more times. I then tell her a stupid joke to distract her while I continue to stab her repeatedly, causing her to let forth gales of laughter. Yay, I got the obligatory-single-pun in.
After several hours (man does she have high regen) I manage to ""exorcise"" her with a meteor.
Fourth... Huff... Level... Puff... Down...
Fifth level, second last.
"fight" "hey, I hear your the famous guy named bob" "no, my name is JOE, why do people think that" "everyone i've ever met calls me Bob, no matter how many times I tell them" "ok Bob, I'll do my best to avoid calling you JOE. Well, gotta fight you now." "RRGGHHH" A massive wall of white-hot fire flys to me, but I reflect it away with a thin energy shield, before jumping well above the battlefield and dive downwards using a jet of water to direct myself towards Bo- errr, JOE. I slam into the ground just as he dodges forwards, leaving a shallow crater and spinning, pulling some of the water with me and splashing it at him, soaking him through, when suddenly he begins to since "firrst we got the bomb, and that was good, cuz' we love peace anddd, brotherhood. Then Russia got the bomb..." he continues singing, but I think that’s enough to recognize the song. As he sings, he continues to fight, launching meteors at me from distance and punching with fists wreathed with white fire whenever he nears. I dodge each blow, rolling under horizontal rows of flame and blinking left or right for vertical walls of fire, while occasionally launching bursts of ice and air at him.

Eventually he finishes the song and gains a *99 attack boost for his next action. However, I have also just sent up a cloud of dust, which makes him sneeze, which counts as an action. Its a very big sneeze, and all the dust flys away.
Before he can recover, I wallop him with a large hammer, causing him to fly horizontally and carve a shallow ditch in the ground. Right as he comes to a stop, a hail of small ice bolts slams the ground around him, quickly transforming the small arena into a snowy wasteland, covered in ice spikes. He gets up, and quickly starts to shiver, unprepared for the cold climate. Meanwhile, I, ever-prepared, grab a self-heating cloak from my bag and walk towards him, gathering an orb of icy energy in my right hand as I do. We face off and he leaps at me, preparing to punch me, when I throw the orb at his feet and icy spikes spread from explosion, trapping him decimetres from me. He struggles against the ice, and it starts to crack, but then I stab him with a needle and inject him with weakness potion, preventing him from breaking free.
I proceed to gather a swirling orb of water and air above myself, causing it to spin and move, rubbing water against water and electrifying it, continuing for about 4 minutes. After those 4, the weakness injection is about to wear off, and I use the electricity gathered in the orb in a single bolt, zapping him and electrifying bob- ER JOE. I raise my hand and the water reforms into a single large ice blade, settling in my hand, and I turn it so it sticks downwards into the ground,blocking a ray of light from b-JOE, and jumping back and pulling the sword out of the ground, dodging a spike from the ground, and swinging the sword in a circle, slamming it down and causing a deep wound in bobs shoulder,when suddenly he shatters the sword. I proceed to brew a cup o' JOE for him and dump it on his head, causing it to Bobup and down in surprise, causing him to realize that my JOkEs are horrible. They are just terrible. He also loses all faith in me.

Wait, he never had any faith in me.
What he lost has his spleen.
Because I carved it out of his chest with a scalpel.
He recoils in surprise as he discovers this,when a rain of arrows flys at him and pins him to the floor.
"You have Joe chance. Make your time." the power of stupid JOkEs empowers me and I utterly vaporise him.

FINAL BATTLE: Qira, mistress of the hive. I rush forwards and she sends her hivelings, each with sharp pincher-like claws and spikes all over, to intercept me. I blink sideways, dodging their attack and getting them to run into one another, before leaping at Qira again. I then inform her that it would be a Qir-tastrofy if she where to die instead of just handing me the rest of the old man's clothing. She replies that theres Joe way I can beat her in a pun-off. I say she stole that from me, and she says that’s a really bad JOkE and that she invented that pun. I ask if she could hit the broad side of a barn. She says yes..? I say then why are you the Misstress. She face-palms, and asks if I ever met any elemental lords. I say yes. She says are you one? I say not yet. She says then why are you so fat. (as in elemental lords/ elemental lards) I look at her and ask if she keeps up on the latest technology. She says no. I say "that explains the lack of hard hives.".
She glares at me, and I continue "what time is it?" she says '11:55'. I say I thought it was eleven fifty-hive.
She's stunned, so I keep the puns coming, asking her if her favorite singer is Sha-Qira. The power of the bad puns flows into my sword and I leap at her, slashing downwards and sending a wave of punny(pun) punwer(power), which Joerces(forces) me to make-stress(make/mistress) pun(fun or dumb) puns (puns) for everything I qira-n(can) think of.

Ok all of those suck.
Continuing...
I have just pun-iffy-ed Qira and knock her unconscious with a swift kick to the head, before taking all of the old mans cloths.
I give the old man his cloths and he enchants a... What was it again? One second... The healing stonecheese of heals.
Yes, that's it. Okay, so he enchants me a healing cheese, and I go back to find the Vengeful God Incarnate has worked up Quite the massage bill while I was adventuring.
Yeah, he's been being massaged the whole time,for the healz, which massaging clearly gives.
Bet you didn't remember that, huh? Ok maybe you did, who am I to know.
Anyway he's been being massaged this whole time, so I have to go find some money, and no, I can't just kill them, then nobody will massage gods for me again.
I decide to make a transmutation table, since the intro says this is minecraft and (separate thing, unrelated to intro:) there’s never any problems with the presence or lack of mods. After getting an energy condenser and some 10/10/10 agricraft diamond seeds, as well as some thaumcraft golems with farming cores, I'm rolling in EMC/Energy Matter Currency(from project E or EE2 or EE3 or EE.). Using this EMC, I duplicate a gold nugget repeatedly, then pay them off with a comically large bag of golden nuggets. With all the extra EMC, I create another healing cheese of heals, and hand both to the vengeful god. He proceeds to absorb them both for ALL THE HEALS. ALL OF THEM, before clarifying that he does not advocate for high-heels, and they might not be something you would want to have all of.
Well, this would normally be the end of it, but I have an extra day or two , so time to slap on some random thing.
Ok, lets see what puns I can come up with.
Well...
I can't think of any...
I guess I'll go with something else.
I raise my hand and several lumps of gold tear out from the ground, and then bob up and down behind me as I walk. After some time, I reach a forest, through which I continue to walk, but occasionally stop to pick some raspberries or shake a tree, making droplets of water cascade to the ground and twinkle in the morning light. After some time, I exit the forest, and reach a road, my pickings and gold floating behind me still. As a large truck drives by, I jump on it and land on top, dodging from one to another as if a ray of energy would strike me if I tarried. After some time, the trucks and cars reach a suburb. I get off the one I was on, a dump truck, and look around, noticing a bustling park. In the park, I pause for a moment and buy some lemonade from a child, repaying him with the raspberries. I proceed to fix up a creaky swing and tend to some plants, before going on my way once more.
I reach a city, still holding all my gold and lemonade and the remaining raspberries in my invisible grip, and walk to a workplace at random, ending up at an engineering company. They ask to see my resume and I hand them some nondescript science-y thing with the power of looking like a good reason. They accept it and I excitedly get to work, designing stuff to re-blorp the grang-field of the ste-norb. Or... Something...
Anyway.......................................................
After exactly five seconds, I mind-control my boss(es) to fire me, so they fire me, and pay me with a whole bunch of machines.
I go back on my trek, and reach a cave.
The cave is filled with monsters, which I avoid by Running like hell, and traps, which I avoid by Dodging like hell.
I then see the people I helped in the suburbs are trying to help and about to die, so what do I do? Yell at them to run like hell.
I then dump all my stuff(gold lumps, machines, raspberries, lemonade, stuff) into a cauldron and make a health potion, while saying "analogies are like healing potions in that I'm making one right now" after that, I decide thats enough because I still need to make sure this is formatted and capitalized properly and stuff.
[5k+ words]

Meanwhile, the Vengeful God Incarnate uses it's godlike hearing to catch a very slight noise. It sounds as if someone is speaking, but from very far away. It's difficult to hear, so it listens closer.

[small][small][small][small][small](-its hiii-)[/small][/small][/small][/small][/small]

Nope, still too difficult to hear. The god expands it's conciousness outwards, trying to find the source of this unusual sound.

[small][small][small][small](-iiiiiiiiiii-)[/small][/small][/small][/small]

From what it can tell, it's not coming from this land.

[small][small][small](-iiiiiii-)[/small][/small][/small]

This dimension, even.

[small][small](-iiiiiiii-)[/small][/small]

Further and further, the god searches for the source, past the outer limits of this dimension, and into the next.

[small](-IIIIIIIIII-)[/small]

He sees a red-cloaked cowboy, looking up to the sky, one hand on his revolver.

-IIIIIIIIIII-

Looking up through the sky, directly at the Vengeful God Incarnate. McCree.

-IIIIIIIIIIII-

If the sound is only getting to the battlefield now, McCree must have been here for decades, centuries now. Preparing this shot, holding down the Q button. Stacking damage point upon damage point.

-IIIIIIIII-

A little known fact about Deadeye is that there's no limit to how much damage can be dealt with it. It could stack forever, and the damage would be proportional to how long you charge it for. This is capped at 12 seconds in Overwatch, likely for balance reasons, but this is not so in this instance.

[big]-IIIIIIIII-[/big]

Another interesting, but more well-known fact is that McCree's revolver is a hitscan weapon. This means that it hits the target instantly, however that works. In essence, by the time you realise that he's aiming at you, and has been for a number of years, you're kind of boned.

[big][big]-IIIIIIIII-[/big][/big]

The sound reaches a deafening one-man chorus until-

[big][big][big]-IIIIIIIIGH NOON.[/big][/big][/big]

McCree immediately fires 6 times, destroying 4 galaxy superclusters, one Nokia cell phone (barely), and sending the last into Vengeful God Incarnate. Unfortunately, it will be a long time before McCree ever sees the fruits of his labor, due to the speed of light being so slow in comparison to his bullets. We get to see a Vengeful God Incarnate being plastered across the walls, though.

The Ham Knife: IIIII. Owner: JOEbob
The Golden Fleece: IIIIIII. Owner: Tricklejest