Disclaimer: This story is set in the Renewal Continuity. Also, any similiarities between any person, living or dead, is either completely coincidential, or wholly intentional. We'll let you figure out which is which.

Simeon Infini, Descended, Revolutionary, and Veteran of the war against the First Godmodder, woke up with a gun pointed to his face.

"Are you really serious about doing this to me?" he asked the gunperson, whose face was really, really conveniently hidden by the shadows casted by the half-opened blinds in his room.

"You have unfinished business," said the gunperson. "We have unfinished business."

"I don't think we've ever met before," Simeon replied, as he grabbed the gunperson's hand, turned it to glass, and shattered it with a twist. "Now, who sent you?"

The gunperson stumbled and fell, the pistol slipping out of it's robotic grip. However, the pistol remained there, floating in front of Simeon's face. It cocked itself. "Nobody. I sent myself. Or technically, the Narrative sent me, but that's dead now, but this was the last task it compelled me to do."

Simeon raised an eyebrow. "Chekov's Gun?"

"That's me. Sentient Descended Gun, The Law of Conservation of Detail Incarnate, former associate of the Narrative. Now, pick me up, we're going on a trip. Any funny business, and I'll put a hazekiller round in your head before you can say, 'whoops'."

"What are we even doing?"

"What do we think we're doing? We're going to find Piono!"

"You mean, Piono Piono?"

"Yeah, who else, other than the guy Trickster mentioned in his introduction to you. You do want to find Piono, don't you? The Narrative told me that, before, y'know."

"Sure, but I wasn't expecting to do it with a telepathic gun!"

"Telepathic Descended Gun. There's a difference. Now, let's go, we're almost late. Chop Chop, we're almost late."

"Late for what?"

"No time to explain, grab on, let's go!"

And with that, they embarked on the Search For Piono.

Originally posted on 2018-04-01 21:13:00

Chapter 1: The BARRRRRRR

Simeon and Chekov's gun found themselves on a sandy beach in a sea of glass.

"Where the heck are we?" Simeon asked, as he dusted himself off and summoned some clothes.

"Exactly where we need to be," answered Chekov's gun, who shook himself free of sand. "The last recorded place where Piono was found was in that bar right over there."

"Wow. That's really convenient."

"Unfortunately, that's all we have to go on. Descended Powers have only managed to get me this far. Try it."

Simeon focused his powers as hard as he could, calling upon his reserves, but all he could see was this island. "Nope, nothing."

"Told you so."

"I was keeping that for a special occasion."

"Look, don't worry, your baseline powers will work just fine, and you'll be back to full power in no time at all."

As they walked towards the bar, Simeon asked, "So why do you want me, exactly?"

"You're carbon-based. This is an organics-only establishment. I tried going in with that body you ruined, and it didn't go so well."

"And you couldn't think of anyone else?"

"Your psychological profile told me that you would be the most willing to help me. We're entering the bar now, quick, holster me."

Simeon responded by summoning a holster. At the same time, Chekov's gun also summoned a holster.

"...What the heck, why not," the two of them thought.

The interior of the bar was larger than what outside suggested. All sorts of different races sat at various tables. There were insectoids, tentacled slimy creatures, there were also some humans, but they seemed to be scattered about.

Simeon walked up to the the bartender, a multieyed purple being.

"Whaddaya want," it snapped. "Drinks for your kind are over there." It pointed a tentacle in the direction of someone who looked human.

"Thanks."

The being leaned in towards Simeon as best as it could. "You seem new here, and everyone's eyeing you. Word of advice? Scram, before things get ugly."

Simeon paused for a moment. "Thanks, but I think I can hold my liquor."

The bartender rolled it's eyes. "Not what I was talking about, but it's your... what do you call it? Funeral? Never took the kind to learn your human words. You and your fancy-schmancy vocal cords."

"Yeah, that's right."

"Scrubblebl'bble."

"She seemed nice," declared Chekov's gun. "Don't respond to me, You're the only one who can hear this. I hope."

"I think they can tell," whispered Simeon, who had noticed a big-brained quadruped turning towards him. "Just don't transmit anything else!"[/color]

"My mind is sealed," responded the firearm.

"What did I just say!?"

Silence.

"Fine, be that way."

Originally posted on 2018-04-01 22:00:00

Our two Descended walked over to the Human section of the Bar. The bartender was talking to a trio of bearded horned goblinoids when he noticed the new patron.

"Hello there, what can I get for you tonight?"

Simeon thought for a moment. Oh come on, I just woke up, and I'm drinking already? What has happened to my life?
"What do you have?" he asked.

"We have alcohols from across the multiverse. Anything you can think of, we can get you. If we don't have it, you can be sure that we have something better."

"Quick, think of something!" urged Chekov's gun.

"Pink Wine," he requested. "Rosharan. With something... something that glows in the dark... garnished with Sussuvian Soulblossoms?"

"Ah!" said the Bartender. "I see that you are a person with good tastes. I'll be right back."

"Heh," the goblinoid sitting next to Simeon was smiling. "You want to keep your wits during the Syzygy? Not gonna happen, greenie.

"The Syzygy?"

"You don't know about the Syzygy? Then why are you even here?"

"Let's say I'm just testing you. Explain to me like it's just my first time experiencing this Syzygy you speak of."

The goblinoid sighed. "Alright, this bar is called Eclipse. It is in a pocket dimension with doors to almost every universe. The only reason that you're here is if you want to experience a Syzygy."

The bartender returned with Simeon's drink order. "That'll be five Pionos, please."

Simeon reached into his pocket before coming up empty. Oh, shoot.

Quick, summon some! urged Chekov's Gun. I'll boost you!

Simeon took a look at the gold coins being exchanged between other patrons. He breathed green mist out of his mouth into his hand, which coalesced and formed into those coins. At the same time, Chekov's Gun attempted to do the same thing, in his own way.

"Will these do?" he asked.

The Bartender poked at the coins, and they dissipated back into green mist. "Sorry, Pionos are a non-duplicatable form of currency. Our owner has thought of everything. Don't worry, Descended, will be earning some Pionos very, very soon." The Bartender grabbed Simeon's hand, and dragged him towards the centre of the room.

What's going on? thought Simeon. I can't break out of this guys grip. What's going on? Descendancy should be able to do anything!

"I'm trying, but nothing's happening either!" responded Chekov's Gun. "I think we've been locked into cutscene mode. I am so, so sorry for roping you into this."[/i]

...You know what? Apology accepted. Better us than someone else. Let's see what happens.

A giant spider dropped from the ceiling onto the centre of the room, and began to broadcast it's thoughts.

"HELLO, EVERYONE!"

The crowd began to cheer.

"Okay, I did not expect that."

"WE HAVE SOME NEW PEOPLE TODAY!"

"GIVE IT UP, FOR SIMEON INFINI, DESCENDED!"

The crowd began cheering even louder.

"ARE YOU READY FOR THE SYZYGY?"

"YES!" the crowd shouted in response.

"ALRIGHT! THREE!"

"THREE!"

"TWO!"

"TWO!"

"ONE!"

"ONE!"

Reality shattered before Simeon's very eyes.

Originally posted on 2018-04-01 22:58:00

Chapter Two: 2 Reality Warpers vs A Slightly Larger Group of Drunk Reality Warpers.

The people in the room began to transform. Tentacles, extra arms and redundant organs sprouted from their torsos. Eyes grew out on shoulders. Skin began to tear, revealing the musculature beneath.

All the while, our two main characters stare.
"Amateurs?"
"Amateurs."
"Let's get out of here."
"Agreed."

"NOT SO FAST," said the giant spider, who was starting to sprout a second set of eight arms."YOU ARE OUR PRISONER NOW."

"I don't think so," said Simeon. "You clearly don't have any idea what it means to be a reality warper. Don't worry, we've all been there before, it's just a matter of time before you realize that turning into beings with indescribable biology is just plain stupid. Let us show you. Shall we?"

"Yes," said Chekov's gun, now speaking in the heads of everyone present. "Let's have some fun."

"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?" demanded the Giant Spider^2. "KILL THEM!"

In response, Simeon pointed Chekov's Gun at the Spider and pulled the trigger, blowing off a pedipalp.

The Spider scrambled back and off the stage. "AAAAH! CLUB MEMBERS, KILL HIM!" it screeched

The now-properly messed up bar patrons picked up their weapons and surrounded the two Descendants, who were still standing on the stage.

"I should mention that I was the reason people always say, 'never bring a knife to a gun fight.'"
"Really? Wow, you really do learn something new every day."

Originally posted on 2018-04-02 01:50:00

Chapter 3: The fight.

The good guys won. The scene was totally like that scene in Kingsman where the guy killed all the other people in the church, but instead of people, it's a bunch of drunk nightclub patrons who think being a tentacled insectoid skinless giant winged creature means you're a lovecraftian horror.

I really can't write good fight scenes at the moment. It would just be, "Simeon shot a bad guy with Chekov's Gun, he shot another one who was sneaking up behind him, and he tried to shoot harder at the last terrifying monster who was in his face and trying to eat it, but you can't really do that, because you can't make bullets go faster out of a gun, even one that has reality warping telepathic powers, because that's not how guns work," with some sprinklings of, while his new parner was shooting him, the gun that formerly belonged to Chekov set to work creating an ideal combat environment, making cover by freezing patrons into ice sculptures, which would create an effective firing arc and 'kill zone'". Wait, that last bit could be actually pretty cool, but I digress.

At the moment, you'd just be dissapointed at how badly I can butcher an otherwise awesome-sounding fight sequence involving reality warpers fighting other reality warpers, so I'm not even going to try.

Originally posted on 2018-04-02 06:57:00

Chapter 4: Aftermath

The two new fire-forged friends stood in the centre of the room, dumbfounded.

They had did it. They stopped this universe from being taken over by a bunch of carbon based supremacists.

Simeon moved to check the bodies. They were still breathing, which was a good thing. These were terrible people, but they still deserved to live. "So," he began. "Do we... do we figure out what a Piono is?"

"Yeah," replied Chekov's Gun, who was now holstered again.

They collected all the Pionos.

"So let me get this straight," asked the firearm. "A Piono is a form of non-duplicatable currency, which comes in the form of big fat coin with Piono's head stamped on one side and a P on the other?"

"Wait, look, I think somethings happening."

The Piono-coins began to melt together, and flowed outwards.

"What's going on?" asked Chekov's Gun, who was beginning to think of just calling it quits.

"I think it's forming a message," answered Simeon, inching off the stage.

Sure enough, the Pionocoins resolidified into a large circular mass which covered the stage, and spelled out a message:

Oh wow, a descendant actually tried to find out my whereabouts and went here? Amazing. Listen, stop trying to find me. I really want to be left alone. You'll have to try harder than that. You did good, though. These people were going to cause a lot of trouble at one point or another.

-Piono

"I'm just going to give up now," thought Chekov's Gun. "The Narrative is dead, so I can live my own life again."

"You want to come with me?" offered Simeon. "We make a good team, and we can stop by somewhere and do some more good while I head home."

"Oh really? Why not."

FIN

Happy April Fools, Everybody.

Originally posted on 2018-04-02 07:12:00

*cloud craps and cheers*
Truly a magnificent masterpiece.

Originally posted on 2018-04-02 13:45:00