...Elsewhere, in an enormous library long ago...

?????: hold still! you're wiggling all around!
???: why do i have to be on the bottom???
?????: the last time i had you on my shoulders you fell and got your head hurt!
???: and whose fault do you think that was???
?????: if you weren't so wiggly, we wouldn't have been in that situation!

The two arguing toddlers wobble back and forth, before tumbling back to the ground. A large book thumps to the ground next to them.

An older girl rushes into the room, kneeling next to the two boys.

????: Oh my gosh! Are you two okay?? That was a pretty long drop...
?????: i'm fine! we got the fancy book down!
????: ...the fancy book? Mom's fancy book?
?????: mhm!
???: oh yeah that's what we were doing wasn't it
???: quick! what's it about???

The small moth-toddler sits up, dragging the heavy tome in front of him. He stares blankly at the cover.

???: oh yeah i can't read
???: can we do a storytime???
?????: YEAAAAA STORYTIME!

The older girl sighs.

????: ...Fine.
????: Pile onto the couch and I'll read it to you.
????: But only for a little bit! Once my mom gets back I have to put it back so she doesn't notice it's been disturbed.
?????: aw... oooooooookayyyyyyy.

The two toddlers climb haphazardly into one of the library chairs, and the girl pulls the book onto her lap, opening it to the first page.

????: Once upon a time...

---

Hi! Welcome to the DTG: Curse of Nolucferu Beta Test, DTG: Wizardry in Shellestokar! As a note before we start- this story is intended to be canonical to DTG's altcanon setting, so please refrain from intentionally breaking canon.

Most of the game's mechanical meat takes place on this doc, such as battles and the map, and also the rules. Keep an eye on it!

Once upon a time, in an ancient, far-off land, there lived a wizard.

Now, normally one would expect this wizard to be good, and kind, and wise. But this wizard was none of those things, at least at the point in time we examine.

Perhaps he was kind once. Perhaps there was a point in time where he was wise. Perhaps, in fact, he had once been good.

He was none of those things, now. The wizard had grown old, but with each passing year he grew brash, impetuous, angry. Rage snaked through the cracks of his heart like rot as each year passed, and slowly he began to forget.

Four years ago, he forgot the flavor of a cold popsicle in the summer.

Three years ago, he forgot the beauty of a flower in spring.

Two years ago, he forgot the patterns frost makes on the window in winter.

One year ago, he forgot the sound of a baby's laugh in fall.



In the year this story takes place, the wizard forgot love.

---

With a fizzle, you find yourself teleported into the heart of Wandefor in the blink of an eye.

Two months ago, Shellestokar went completely dark- no information came out of the planet. You've been sent to see what's happening, teleported to the Wandefor territory- the planet's capital.

As you step out of the teleporter, a tall vamprobabilitant narrows his eyes at you.

V. COMMANDER: An intruder! Automatons, attack!

The Automatons threaten the peace! Battle: Teleportation Station has begun! Prepare to fight!

The doc is here!

Kalis tumbles out of the teleporter, hair and robes distinctly singed. They survey the area, and notice its most distinctive characteristic:

KALIS: Grids.
KALIS: Why does it always have to be grids?
KALIS: I swear my magic is attracted to them, every time a teleportation goes wrong I end up somewhere grid-based.
KALIS: I like tactical tile-based combat as much as the next wizard but can't I get isekai'd into an action RPG world or even something with hexagons for a change?
KALIS: And this looks like a beta test, too, the mechanics are pretty bare-bones, but I've met and been stabbed by plenty of competent skeletons in my time, so let's see what I can do with them.

Kalis joins the game! Their Perma-Gear kit is a 4-CP Magic Staff, a 4-CP Lucky Infinity trinket, and a 9-CP Mirror Kalis with 4 CP in HP, 4 CP in Attack, and 1 CP in Range 2. The last 3 CP goes into upgrading Kalis's own Range to 3.

Kalis spawns on F14 and moves to D12.

Action 1: Kalis attempts to cast a spell on the AUtomaton, but realizes they have no MP. Nor an MP bar. Nor, for that matter, do they have spells listed anywhere, or even a basic attack. They press ESC to open up the menu and start digging around trying to figure out how to cast spells in this game. The AUtomaton is crushed flat by the menu opening.


KALIS: Wait, "creative actions"? "Pretty much anything"?
KALIS: This combat system runs on... creative writing?
KALIS: I've done TTRPG campaigns before, but a narrative storygame is a new one.
KALIS: Well, let's see.


Action 2: KALIS: Kalis casts Chaos Bolt on the AUtomaton.

KALIS: ...

KALIS: Wait, hang on, was that still dialogue? How do I put this in narration mode-

Kalis casts Chaos Bolt on the AUtomaton.

That's much better.

...

KALIS: Dammit, this narration will take some getting used to.

Action 3: Kalis transmutes the AUtomaton from gold into lead, which is much easier than going in the other direction.

Poe-7: You two are being dropped into some trouble out the gate.
Poe-7: Be careful, but get the job done.
John: Got it, bosspoe. It'll be done.
Jeff: Roger, Poe-7, sir. Fixers deployed.

[Perma-Gear CP Expenditure:
3: John Jackson Range 3
9: Jeff Jackson Entity (2 to HP, 4 to Attack, 3 to Range: 1,000 HP, 500 Attack, Range 3)
4: Standard Issue Poe Co Handgun Model Red (Equipped to John)
4: Standard Issue Poe Co Handgun Model Blue (Equipped to Jack)]

The Fixer Twins spawn in with John on K14 and Jeff on K15.

John: Seems the wizardy folk went that way, let's get to work the other direction.
Jeff: Sounds like a plan. SIPCHMs ready.

John moves to N12, Jeff moves to O12.

Action 1+2: John deploys Poe Co Brand Deployable Waist High Walls in front of himself and Jeff to protect them from any attempts at reprisal. He pulls the two packets off of his belt and shakes them aggressively before dropping them onto N11 and O11. The packets burst open, revealing an expanding mass of tiny, colorful, interlocking bricks that rapidly click together with an oddly distinctive sound. After mere moments, a full sized, waist high, clashing rainbow mess of a wall stands in front of the twins.

Action 3: John then finally opens fire on the Btomaton in O10. Literally. He cracks open a can of Poe Co Jellied Fire before lobbing the contents of it over the wall and into the face of the Btomaton. It is probably of little comfort to the Btomaton that the can promises "same great fire burning sensation, no need for that pesky oxygen!"

Entity Orders:
Due to no more enemies being in range, Jeff instead gives John an epic high five, improving morale.

"IT IS I, JOE, demiGOD OF BOG MONSTERS AND FARMING"
Permagear Allocations:
1 CP in Range.
12? CP in Parasite Seedbag (Used with an action to place Parasite Seeds on a tile! Parasite Seed tiles can stun or mind-control entities which step on them, or grow into edible crops if left alone, and can be turned into normal tiles by attacking them for 500? damage or more.
...huh, writing this gave me deja-vu.)
6 CP in Farmer's Scythe (Entity which occupies the same tile as JOE, if that's possible, or an item if items can be bonus actions. its attack is 500 damage, and produces a 250-healing consumable which can't last past the battle if it downs an enemy.)
1 CP in robot drone (this entity does nothing except have health and move. why is it here? mysterious.)

I spawn I14, move to I12, and [3x] place down Parasite Seeds on H11, I10 and J11 before retreating to K13! Assuming I'm understanding things right!
robot drone spawns G14, moves to C16.

This episode of Scheinfild is made possible by CallNowCo Delicieaux™ Cat Treats! New flavors are coming out every day! For the especially finicky feline, try offering it some Looking Into The Eyes Of Your Loving Mother When You Were A Child flavor, now available at all CallNowCo outlets or by calling 555-225-5699! That's 555-CALL-NOW, available in all universes and all languages...

They say CallNowCo is run like a well-oiled machine.

Every piece of CallNowCo is composed of smaller pieces. In Marketing, for example, you have the individual departments for each brand, as well as the Customer Relations Department. You also can't forget the Original Owners Relations Department, because the last time CallNowCo took a product in a direction its owner didn't want, they had to settle for what amounts to trillions of credence, if you're living in a very specific fantasy universe where they actually call their currency "credits," but everyone else thought that sounded too modern and so "credence" was what actually caught on. Sure, CallNowCo can lose all that money and not get a dent in its workers' salary, but everyone at CallNowCo knows that a penny saved is a penny earned.

I'm getting off track. Where was I...?

Hear ye, hear ye... Now is the time to raid your savings accounts, empty your treasure chests, and sell the heirloom everyone else wants you to sell already, because only those of you with enough credence will be able to buy the brand new CallNowCo OmniTerra(trademark pending) vehicles! After hearing your requests, the latest member in the lineup is the OmniTerra(trademark pending) Stallion! This fine specimen has been specially bred to have stronger legs, allowing it to run in even the roughest of terrain! This run is very limited, so buy them while supplies last! Just send a letter to your nearest CallNowCo courier with money enclosed, and your brand-new OmniTerra(trademark pending) Stallion will arrive at your doorstep in no time at all!

Well, as I was saying, each piece is composed of other pieces. The parts answer to the whole, which answer to the core computer running everything, and that computer answers to its own whole - the machine itself. That's what people think, anyways.

They don't know about Seth.

Good morning, digital denizens of CallNowCo town! We interrupt your morning announcements to announce the latest installment in our CallNowCo product lines that might interest you! Not interested? Remember, you can always think "red tuna blank" to skip any CallNowCo ad in your digital world. Now then, on to the latest products. A personal favorite of many, the TechnoKnives™ line has a new installment, the BreadNButter! This is a bread knife that also spreads butter on one side, allowing you to butter bread as you cut it! If you're visiting from the real world, don't worry - the RealKnives™ line will also be getting a version of the BreadNButter for all your buttering needs. Next, let's - oh, okay! Skipping ad now. Have a great day!

See, what people don't understand is that CallNowCo is not like a well-oiled machine. It's more like a complex network of chains - each chain goes both ways. The CEO has to answer to everyone who answers to him. There's one exception to this rule, too, though - and again, it is Seth. Seth exists entirely outside of the chain network, and everyone answers to him.

There's one simple reason for this: Seth works in Quality Assurance.

Help, I'm trapped in a CallNowCo ad factory!

A portal opens, and Seth emerges. Upon his back, a massive backpack is visible, storing several mysterious CallNowCo products. He pulls one out, placing it on the ground. It expands into a large tube, which releases a swarm of drones fitted with cameras. Seth takes a pair of glasses from the tube and puts them on. Combined with the drones, these CallNowCo WonderVision™ Drone Glasses allow Seth to see the entire area at once. The CallNowCo WonderVision™ Drone Glasses take up 6 PCP and grant Seth an additional 3 Range on all attacks, for a total of 4.

Seth then places another item on the ground. This one is roughly the size of a modest chest-of-drawers, which leads one to wonder not only how it got IN Seth's backpack, but also how it got OUT. If you want to know, CallNowCo PackBack™ Endless Storage Units are available now. Just call - ugh, no, I'm not supposed to be doing product placement. Focus.

Seth places this object on the ground and presses a button. It quickly changes shape into a decently-sized robot, resembling a Transformer - or maybe Voltron. I've never seen Voltron so I'm not 100% sure. Seth then speaks an obfuscated string of letters and numbers, and the machine lights up, pulling out a large, somewhat messy-looking rocket launcher.

"WELCOME, MASTER SETH. INITIATING PROTOTYPE BEHAVIORS."
"Easy there. You're on limited mode for now. Complete power-on procedures, then initiate Test Case 53A."
"AFFIRMATIVE. RECALCULATING VECTORS."

Seth sighs. "Methinks the craziest guys down in Engineering got their hands on this thing. It looks like it could blow up at any second."

The Prototype takes up 14 PCP. It has 500 HP, 1,250 ATK, 3 Range, and 4 MOV. Yes, it should probably have more HP, but this is a PROTOTYPE, and Seth can lodge his complaints when he actually has proof behind why they're relevant. He knows well that the more ambitious of the engineers in his department will want that before conceding anything.



Actions and Entity Orders

Seth spawns in at I14. The Prototype spawns in at H14.

Seth moves to I10.

ACTIONS 1 + 2 + 3:
"CallNowCo product testing currently in progress. Please immediately clear from the area, or suffer my wrath."

Before the AUtomaton or the Btomatons can react, Seth pulls out a CallNowCo WonderGuns™ Gravity Gun. He uses it to lift the cover at K7 and L7 and throw it at the AUtomaton and Btomaton hiding behind it. This destroys the cover, then destroys both robots. To add insult to injury, he aims the Gravity Gun at the AUtomaton and compresses it down to the size of a small ball bearing. It's definitely not recovering from that any time soon.

The Prototype moves from H14 to G11. It fires a cluster bomb at the AUtomaton at D9.

Story time!? St- st-stst STORY TIME!?

Jove Jones Jerry (JJJ) LOVES STORY TIME! His favorite class in high school was always HISTORY! So many good stories!

Like- that one war with all of the Alliances and whatevs that started because some duke or something was super incompetent and got himself assassinated. I mean, get real dude. It's not hard to avoid bullets. You've just got to get on your pogo stick and-

> POGO STICK [Equipped] - 8 CP -> +2 MOV?

-hop right out of there. Sheesh. It's EASY.

JJJ doesn't like the sequel as much. Got really dark and gritty. Not a big fan.

But the spinoffs afterwards! Those were fun! The author just started coming up with random settings and shoving everybody's favorite nations into conflict there! SUPER EXCITING! No more France and Britain getting in the way. We don't need Japan. Or Hungary.

WE NEED JUNGLES! LOTS OF JUNGLES! LIKE SERIOUSLY, HOW MANY JUNGLES IS THIS? THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY TO CLEAR TH-

> CHILDREN'S SHOTGUN [Equipped] - 8 CP -> +1 RANGE, + 3 SQUARES HIT-
(3 Range 2 Squares connected to 1 Range 1 Square.)
-EACH DEALING 1/4 OF ATTACK'S TOTAL DAMAGE, REST TO BUFF DAMAGE
(One use per turn. Can have a reload turn/action at GM digression.)

-OSE TREES! SHEESH!

Of course, JJJ's favorite war was that one Down Under. The one with the emus. JJJ loves flightless birds. Especially flightless birds that win wars! So classy.

Speaking of class, JJJ failed that history class, actually. Something about not learning the real material. HRM... He'll never live that down.

It wasn't even his fault! It was his glasses! He needed a new prescription! Now, he's got a nice pair of contacts and-

> CONTACTS [Equipped] - 4 CP -> +2 RANGE (Basic Attacks), + Accuracy
(Boost this if I have any leftover CP from the pogo, or take away the accuracy buff if I need a touch more.)

-he'll ACE that test!

As soon as he's out of this historical reenactment!
~~~~~
JJJ spawns on good ol' G14. He's extremely confused. He was going out to buy ice cream! What-

He looks down at his white and blue striped shirt and is disgusted to find that his ice cream has been teleported right at the stomach of his shirt. JJJ screams with rage, causing his baggy black shorts to wave around a bit like a skirt. This realization only makes him more mad.

Hopping on his pogo stick, JJJ decides to take his anger out on some robots! He bounces his way across the field to K8 and-

Actions 1 & 2: JJJ spins his shotgun. The rainbow decals glimmer in the light as the weapon cocks itself, ready to fire. With a childish scream, JJJ fires, blasting darts at squares L6, L7, M6, and M7.

The darts DART, obviously! They zig around, zagging toward their targets. Then, KERPLOW! The barricade gets nailed with- sure, a NAIL! The dart was a nail! Obviously!

And so were the other three darts! Nails! Now, of course, against robots, a nail might seem totally unnecessary! If anything, that helps hold them together!

But it also sets them off balance!

[Read in a Dopey Voice] "Oh no, I'm a stupid robot and I have one too many nails in my arm. My programming doesn't know how to re-correct my balance! I guess I'll just fall over like the dumb idiot I am!"

Then, they get shoved into one of those "Help, I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up" commercials, where they're remanufactured as phones or chairs that can slide up the stairs or whatever old people use! That's clearly how that works!

Action 3: Watching that "Help I've Fallen" ad has, for some reason, put JJJ into a better mood! Maybe it's the suffering of others. Probably that.

JJJ is so happy, in fact, he wants to learn something! He examines the black square diagonal to him on M9, seeing what it does!

<TURN 1>

Kalis laments grids! The Vamprobabilitant Commander is taken aback!

V. COMMANDER: You dare shun the Most Glorious Lord Axinite's gift of grid-based creative writing combat?
V. COMMANDER: How dare you! That's treasonous and punishable by death!
V. COMMANDER: Also, who are you calling a skeleton???

---

John and Jeff are depoeloyed!

V. COMMANDER: Oh no there are two of them. Whatever shall we doooooo.
V. COMMANDER: ...wait, no, make that three. Still not much more than a speedbump...

---

JOE is a god of farming and bog monsters! The Vamprobabilitant Commander screams!

V. COMMANDER: THE NATIVE WILDLIFE'S PAGAN GOD IS REAL???
V. COMMANDER:
V. COMMANDER: Oh well I guess I'm killing God today.
V. COMMANDER: I wonder if I could get a promotion for this.

---

Seth enters the battlefield!

V. COMMANDER: CallNowCo...?
V. COMMANDER: Never heard of it.
V. COMMANDER: Cool automaton. Can't wait to steal it.

---

Jove Jones Jerry jumps joyfully!

V. COMMANDER: OH GOD HE'S EXTENDING HIS MOVEMENT THROUGH ILLEGAL AND DANGEROUS POGO MAGIC
V. COMMANDER: RUN AWAAAAAAAAY

---

Wow, what an eventful turn! More guys have spawned. This might get messy...

Also, the forest is on fire.

"I AM REAL! HOWEVER, YOU WILL NOT BE KILLING ME TODAY. I mean, seriously, your base attack is 500. I can outdo that with one hand tied behind my back."
JOE moves to K11, then...
[1x]takes command of the Parasite Seeds under Seth and Forest next to JJJ, yanking JJJ back two squares and Seth back one! Or they can be tossed forwards 4 and 3 spaces respectively if there's enough slack for that. The point is they end up somewhere not-in-range-1-of-a-Btomaton.)

[Bonus] Scythe moving on automatic, it slashes through Btomaton8, killing all the Btomatons except Btomaton6, and also killing AUtomato4, in the resulting chain reaction!

[2x] He then tosses some Parasite Seeds to M10 and replaces the ones on I10(having been destroyed either by the Btomatons or the strain of tossing Seth across a tile/s.).


[Drone: C17. yep, that's off the map. It's leaving the battle to track the Vedfolnir. That's the only reason this drone exists.]

Seth moves to M11.

ACTIONS:

Seth pulls out a CallNowCo RealKnives™ Glitchinator, a shiv that shuts down any type of machine (except for CallNowCo products, of course) and stabs it into AUtomaton7.

Seth then turns to the Prototype, which is politely attempting to disarm the AUtomaton next to it, since it's too close to hit with its main weapon.

"Prototype! Initiate Jungleball protocols."
"AFFIRMATIVE. EXECUTING."

The Prototype pulls out a steel sword and stabs the AUtomaton several times in a row. It then moves to G13.

KALIS: I have to say that is in fact a lot of guys.
KALIS: But do you know what I've got?
KALIS: More Kalises.

Kalis moves to E11, spawns Mirror Kalis on D10, and moves to F11. That's how summoning entities works, right?

Mirror Kalis casts Chaos Bolt on BTomaton6! That's just Kalis's basic attack now.

Action 1: Kalis casts Skeletal Toss, yeeting BTomaton7 six squares to H3. Except a) this is an attack not a movement spell and b) BTomaton9 is in the way, so actually the two just collide extremely hard.

Action 2 + Lucky Infinity: Kalis wins the lottery! The Vamprobabilitant Commander didn't even know he was running a lottery, but it seems like he somehow hosted one by accident, and Kalis won it. Some of AUtomato4's gold has to be sold off to pay Kalis the million dollars they're owed.

Action 3 + Magic Staff: Kalis, unable to make up their mind whether to cast Fireball or Lightning Bolt on AUtomato4, casts Lightning Ball and Firebolt instead.

John: Jeff, progress, I can handle this thing.
Jeff: Got it. Seems like multiple new targets have arrived anyway.

Action 1: John reaches for his Standard Issue Poe Co Handgun Model Red, pulling it from the holster and adjusting the dial on the grip. With the gun set to "stun"... No. Wait. Misread. With the gun set to "fun" he takes aim at AUtomaton 7 and fires. A bullet of compressed confetti and glitter is shot from the chamber. Oh. That is going to both hurt and take forever to clean up.

Action 2: John then attaches Poe Co Brand Plastic Explosive to the Deployable Waist High Cover to trigger at a later date. As the name indicates, it only explodes plastics, but at high enough speeds any shrapnel becomes painful.

John then vaults over Jeff to allow him to move to N9.

Action 3: With nothing within range of his arsenal, John pulls a bottle of Poe Co Brand "So You Got Shot?" Shot from his belt and downs it in an attempt to heal the bullet wound.

Jeff Orders:
Move to O8
Set Standard Issue Poe Co Handgun Model Blue to "kill". Wait. Sorry. Misread again. It's set to "mill".
Shoot AUtomaton 6, forcing it to discard the top card of its deck. Because it has no deck, this instead must damage it.

WOAH WOAH WOAH! Why they all grouping around JJJ like that!? JJJ doesn't like this! This feels like bullying! Bullying is NOT COOL! It's like... the opposite of cool. It's- it's rocket hot-

Action 1: JJJ straps one of those rocket fireworks to his allegedly illegal pogo stick. Now it's almost DEFINITELY ILLEGAL!

But JJJ didn't do that just to be MORE illegal. He did it to "boost his hops, my dude." To "score some sick air." To "not blow himself up." Sure.

Lighting a match (he stole from his parents', which... yeah, is making this SUPER illegal), JJJ sets fire to the fuse, which shimmers as it snakes back into the firecracker.

JJJ hops in place, getting ready for the bounce. Then, the rocket fires! It shoots JJJ up into the air, before coming undone and flying off to explode in a bright star of red.

Meanwhile, JJJ uses the thrust to vault over Btomaton 3, expending his movement to land on K4.

-rude, people- I mean robots- I mean B-grade nitwits!

...Yeah. Nailed it with that last insult.

MOV: Now clear of the Btomatons, JJJ uses the rest of his movement to go to K4 (which also works if JOE's thing happens).

Action 2 + 2 Temp CP: JJJ turns his attention to the two Automatons, 5 & 6. He spins his rainbow Kiddie Shotgun again and points it at the two robots.

Feels like this deserves a one-liner, you know? Something to really amplify the moment. Unfortunately, JJJ is all out of dialogue!

In the place of a one-liner, JJJ fires an OCEAN LINER at the two machines. The enormous boat's fog horn roars as it crashes into the two Automatons on L5 and M5. There's a loud crack as the robots are torn to shreds, their wires and... arms, I guess, flying everywhere.

The boat then disappears through a shimmering veil, off to a cloudy land of rainbows and the screams of children!

Action 3: Next, JJJ looks at the Automaton Supporter on L3. JJJ takes out a pen and paper and writes, "Just go home." He shows it to the Supporter, pointing quite convincingly at it. He nods at the message. The Automaton can tell he's serious.

On the back of the page, he writes something else. He shows it to the Automaton. "Are you in child services or group therapy?" Ha ha. Support.

JJJ flips it over one more time and writes a new message on the blank page. He shows it to the Supporter. "Seriously. Run." Seems he's taken some bullying lessons from those Btomatons.

The Btomaton on L3 scatters, scrambling away from the insane child who needs to finish his History Test and- GOSH DARN IT! HE JUST RUINED THE ONLY PAGE OF NOTES HE'S ALLOWED! A CRUEL WORLD! A CRUEL WORLD INDEED!

<TURN 2>

JOE leads with his rebuttal!

V. COMMANDER: ...five hundred is comparatively a lot...

...The Vamprobabilitant Commander seems to be a little miffed.

---

Kalis introduces the Vamprobabilitant Commander to the Kalis+ subscription service!

V. COMMANDER: Hey, more guys is MY thing!

---

Battle: Teleportation Station, Round 3:

Most of the guys summoned last turn are dead! Time to go beat up their commander. Also, JJJ is pretty beat up. Probably heal him?

"Yeah, in the little leagues! If you want to kill a ᵈᵉᵐᶦgod, you're going to need more than That!"
JOE moves to K8...

[1x] smacks AUtomato6 with the back of his scythe in a swing that bowls it over and does the rest of its damage to AUtomato5...

[Bonus]slashes through AUtomato5 on the reverse swing for a nice gold tomato...

[2x] then tosses seeds to I6 and J6.

Quoth Today's Thoughts: "JJJ keeps getting shot."

AND HE WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO, GOSH DARN IT! HEALING SHMEALING! THIS IS WAR! JJJ WILL NOT BE STOPPED BY SOMETHING SO INSIGNIFICANT AS BEING SHOT.

Now a scrape on the leg- that's a different story. Those hurt. He needs like- infinite band-aids for those. But GETTING SHOT!? That's just a flesh wound, there. It'll heal...

MOV: Speaking of heal, JJJ will HEEL! See, this is a very technical term. Technically used for dogs. But it means to follow closely to one's owner. This is misleading, of course, because JJJ is not owned by the Vamprobabilant Commander. But you know who's ABOUT TO GET OWNED!!! That's right the-

Just get to the move already, man. JJJ bounces over to H3.

Action 1: JJJ waves at the Commander on G4. It's a wave that says, "Hello." "Glad to meet you." And "I will send you to the eternal abyss where you will SUFFER!" That sort of a wave. Not to be mistaken by a tidal wave, which involves water, and the moon, and Astronomy shtuff. JJJ failed that class hard. History. JJJ only cares about history.

But he likes waves too! He remembers this one time his family went to the beach. It was scorching hot, and the water was cold, and JJJ immediately wanted to go home.

So, instead they went and watched a MOVIE! Which taught JJJ his favorite type of wave! Not a tidal wave. A TITLE Wave!

JJJ takes out one of those old-timey reel projectors and cranks the handle, making the film spin. He points it at the Commander's face. It clicks "3... 2... 1..."

Commander. That's the first title that gets slapped onto the Vamprbabiliant's face. Simple. Makes sense.

Then "Stupid." Rude, but that won't hurt anyon-

"Moron." That's- that's getting a bit much-

"Lame Brain." Yeah- yeah. We get it, he's-

"A DUMB DUMB." That.

"GIVER OF GUM GUM." ...that's probably a reference to something.

"LOSER." Well, that's inaccurate. He hasn't lost ye-

"Incompetent." That's yet to be seen, I'd argu-

"Coward." Ooh. That hits the mark. I'll agree ther-

"Pencil Pusher." Okay...? That probably means he's only a commander for being a-

"Teacher's Pet." That. Again.

"Dead." Woah, WHAT!? He- he isn't dead yet! He-

The projector suddenly explodes, shooting the film right through the projection lens. It slithers through the air like a snake, and the words literally bite the Commander's ego.

JJJ waves at the sight. Terribly amusing.

Action 2: JJJ stops waving. Why- why would he do that? I don't think the Commander has waved back yet. Is- is something wrong with JJJ's hand? Should we call an ambulance!?

...

Apparently not. You know that one Astronomy class JJJ failed? Well, he was apparently paying enough attention to actually get the "moon controls the tides" part of the material.

Tides as in waves. As in the moon has stopped JJJ's waves. As in there is no more moon. As in where is the moon? As in... oh.

The moon crashes down on the Vamprobabilant Commander's head. And by the moon, I mean a fake, Styrofoam ball JJJ painted gray for his Solar System project. And by Styrofoam ball... I mean grenade. Without the pin.

The "moon" knocks the Commander in the head and then promptly explodes.

MOV (again): JJJ bounces a square over to I2. Sure, he could have attacked the Commander from there, but then it wouldn't be very personable, would it?

Action 3: JJJ attempts to leave and go to the next zone! This one has too many robots. He's not much of a sci-fi nerd, anyways. Too many Isaacs- Asimov. Newton. Dummies the both of them. JJJ has always been the kid who wants to go out and explore! Or something... I'll think of a better excuse later.

Seeing the AUtomatons are well in.. scythe, I suppose John rushes up to J5, preparing to take on the Commander.

John: You! Are you the one causin' problems around here? Somethin' 'bout this place has Poe Co's sensors lit up somethin' fierce.

Action 1+2+3: THE DATE IS NOW! John slams the plastic explosive trigger button and the Poe Co Brand Deployable Waist High Cover immediately goes up in a ball of flame. A single brick from it is sent flying through the forest, bouncing from tree to tree and seeming to only pick up speed as it travels. With a trail of plok!, thok!, ploink!, and other assorted onomatopoeia behind it, the singular brick lodges itself squarely in the Vamprobabilitant Commander's foot. Truly this is a source of ungodly, neverending pain.

Jeff Orders:
Move to N4
Jeff: Hey, roboty fella.. you ain't a fighter, are ya..? Look, Poe Co, we don't really attack noncombatants. What say you stick with my brother and me? Maybe we can even find you a new home away from people like that yelly jerk where you ain't gotta deal with fightin'? How does that sound?
Offer friendship and support to the AUtomaton Supporter.

Kalis acts before JJJ if that's allowed.

Mirror Kalis attacks the Futon by throwing mirrors at it.

Kalis moves to H7.

Action 1: Kalis converts AUtomaton2 to fiat currency, then casts Enlarge Person on themself, devaluing AUtomaton2 through inflation.

Action 2: And while they're giant, they just pick up a creepy tree and clobber AUtomaton2 with it. (If it's already dead, they smack the Barricade.)

Action 3: Kalis doesn't have infinite bandaids, but they do have a few, and the band-aid grew with them, so they hand JJJ a giant band-aid and cover all their wounds at once with it. Then they dispel Enlarge Person. The band-aid shrinks back to normal size, shrinking the wounds with it.

<TURN 3>

JJJ continues to be an insane pogo stick child! The Vamprobabilitant Commander looks very freaked out.

V. COMMANDER: hey quick question does anyone else find this child's bloodlust and apparent lack of pain receptors incredibly concerning
V. COMMANDER: shouldn't you be in school or something and not shooting things with an enormous shotgun

You attempt to go to the next zone! Warning: this will trigger another battle. Are you sure you want to do this?

---

John and Jeff have many questions! First, John scoots over to the Vamprobabilitant Commander.

V. COMMANDER: Why would I tell you that?
V. COMMANDER: ...Also, what's Poe Co?

Meanwhile, the Automaton Supporter indicates that it would very much like to come with, but it would also like to stay in its thicket for a little while longer, if that's okay.

---

Battle - Teleportation Station, Round 4:

You've made a bit more progress! The Futon and the Vamprobabilitant Commander are your only real problems at this point.

Dang loading screens. Always keeping JJJ from finishing his online tests in time. Most unfortunate they still exist here. But he supposes he can lounge around for a minute and keep shooting Vampy!

MOV: JJJ bounces over to F5. He greets the Commander with a sign that reads, "[INSERT SLAPSTICK COMMENT HERE]." Very clever.

Action 1: JJJ does exactly what the Vamprobabilant Commander expects him to do! NOT fire his shotgun!

Instead, JJJ uses his Contact Lenses. And by Contact Lenses, I mean Contact Lenses! Didn't here the difference? Well, you'll figure it out!

JJJ throws his contacts at the Vamprobabilant Commander. They instantly transform into a two major league football players, who tackle the Commander!

The Commander reminds them of that one coach they had in middle school who really didn't know how to play football. Probably because I don't think Vamprobabilants have Football! This fact enrages the football player contacts even more that they not only tackle him, but also kick a field goal with him and spike him in the end zone! They then tackle him again, scoring a safety!

Action 2: NOW. NOW JJJ will do exactly what the Commander expects him to do. Which is, of course, NOT fire his shotgun AGAIN!

Without his contacts, JJJ doesn't know exactly what he's doing. So he improvises! He takes that one notes sheet from earlier and folds it up into a paper airplane! A historically accurate World War II fighter jet, to be exact! So historically accurate, it has guns!!!

JJJ throws the paper airplane into the sky and- it fires little spitballs at the enemy Futon! Because while he was busy folding that plane up, his contacts returned! Clearly!

The fiery fellow is pelted with wet paper- also known as every page of notes JJJ had left in his notebook! A worthy sacrifice. The fire under the Futon slowly- very slowly- starts to go out.

Action 3: NOW is the time that JJJ does exactly what the Commander expects him to do. Fire his shotgun at nothing! By that, I mean not fire it at all!

Instead, JJJ throws his contacts, again! A much more useful weapon, really. Who needs a shotgun when you can throw little shards of glass at-

The Contacts turn into Contacts! Can't hear the difference? Trust me, it's there!

The contact lenses start dialing random people who JJJ knows. Such as his History Teacher! The Commander is suddenly on the phone with JJJ's History Teacher, who is absolutely exploding at JJJ for failing that test. I mean COME ON! JJJ can do better than that! All he has to do is try and he'll ace it. But NOOOO. He can't focus. He refuses to apply himself. And this Teacher is sick of it. SICK OF IT!

Oh dear. JJJ's teacher is biting the Commander's head off. Literally. You can see the teacher's bulldog jowl munching on the Vamprobabilant Commander face. That's gotta hurt!

Emotionally, of course. That teacher has zero authority to call JJJ- I mean this Vamprobabilant a loser. But here we are. What has the education system come to?

MOV again: JJJ scoots over to H6 for "Strategical Reasons." *cough cough* Those vaults. *cough cough*